Saturday, September 4, 2010

Quotes You Can Believe In

This is part 2 of my ever-expanding compilation of dumb shit that I've said. I still contend that I am a modern day Ben Franklin. Enjoy.


Most of the population is concerned with the physical war overseas. I am too, but I'm also concerned about the intellectual war here within our borders. Nothing is more damaging or divisive than religion and it is tearing this nation apart. I would rather lose my life in Afghanistan than lose my freedom to think in the United States.

So, if Noah was a Jew, and all of his family was Jewish, why aren't we all still Jews? And how, in just a matter of centuries, without adequate transportation, were different tribes of people able to spread across the Earth? Tribes of people who have zero history of worshiping the Judeo-Christian god or anything even remotely similar...

Every great scientific discovery piggybacks off of predecessors whose purpose was to more efficiently facilitate death. We certainly are a fucked up, sadistic species.

The next person that says "refudiate" like it's an actual word gets a swift kick in the nuts.

Duck Duck Goose should be mandatory through the age of 45.

Will Arnett makes me want to kill kittens.

Unlike other branches of Christianity, the Mormon Church has EXPLICIT texts from its founders and in its SCRIPTURES that are directly aimed at the supposed "inferiority" of black people. I want to send Ving Rhames back in time so he can bitch slap Joseph Smith and Brigham Young right in their stupid inbred mouths.

I wish I was retarded. Then maybe stupid people wouldn't get on my nerves as much.

I'm pretty sure my ideal woman doesn't exist. On the off chance that she does, she's probably dating some douchebag like Dane Cook or The Situation.

The U.S. Navy: Where you can get $200 sunglasses, $120 switchblades, and 62" TVs for "training", but ordering 2-ply toilet paper for the shitter is out of the question.

Attention: This Grammar Nazi has had it with the majority of his friends prefacing every other statement with "literally". It's completely unnecessary and I get that what you're telling me actually happened. The only time I wouldn't think that it did in fact happen is if you said "metaphorically" prior to divulging your sordid little tales. And remember - too many adverbs will KILL YOU. Thank you and goodnight.

Being charitable is suicide.

The value of a person's life should not be measured by their bank account.

Equality for everyone is exactly what theology does NOT teach. We should fight to preserve rights but not beliefs as people are not born with beliefs. Separation of Church and State exists (not for much longer if people don't speak up) for this reason. To support theocracy is to support blatant discrimination and THAT is un-American.

I always giggle when I see wrecked cars with "Jesus is my co-pilot" bumper stickers. That's nothing to brag about if you ask me and it makes complete sense that they wrecked when you think about it. There weren't cars 2000 years ago, so Jesus doesn't really have the credentials to operate a motor vehicle. I doubt he even has his license.

I'm going to start speaking in tongues at random points throughout my day and see how long it takes before they have me committed.

I'd rather vote for Trig Palin than Sarah anyday. You'd get the same results but at least he's got an excuse...

America: Land of the Free White Protestants

Thanks to wireless networking, I can now surf the web while I take a shit.

If Hitler, Attila the Hun, Stalin, Hussein, Satan, and any other racist, psychopathic, genocidal maniac jerked off into a turkey baster and squirted it into a very fertile Queen Mary I... Ann Coulter is what would pop out of her vagina 9 months later. Ann Coulter is a cunt.

If you like Jeff Dunham....KILL YOURSELF. Seriously. I'm not joking. Kill yourself. You are a worthless and retarded lemming. Kill yourself.

Part of me really wishes the Rapture were real... Then maybe we'd be able to get some shit done in society instead of catering to bullshit fascism that hides under the guise of morality.

Funny how we liberated Europe and they became more free than we could ever hope to be.

No, people, I do not 'worship Satan', nor am I a Satanist. Maybe loosely in a LaVeyan sense, but not really. I am an atheist. That means that God, Satan, and demons (or any other supernatural hibbity-bibbity) are not real. To acknowledge Satan, you have to acknowledge the existence of God. I acknowledge neither. Thank you, and have a wonderful day.

As you go out into the world today, remember these important truths: Right is wrong, everything is nothing, and Ann Coulter is a cunt.

The difference between Republicans and fascists is that fascists never figured out how to bullshit poor people into loving them.

The problem with prayer: John 14:13 "You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father." Someone's lying about something...

If everyone in the country shared the same opinion, we would no longer be free.

As humans we all have two universal things in common: 1) We're all going to die. 2)Nobody knows what happens when we DO die. Nothing else really matters. So why spend the short time we have on this planet fighting and killing one another?

If people wake up and decide to rebel against American Corporatism, there's no need to ask me whose side I'm on. I swore an oath to protect the Constitution of the United States of America and my fellow citizens. I didn't swear to protect a failing economic system or corporate interests. I joined the United States Navy, I didn't apply for a job at Blackwater.

"Steve, why do you think America is such a failure?" The best, of a million examples I could give, is this: One of the smartest people I know works at Taco Bell. True story.

Prideful, outspoken ignorance should disqualify anyone from running for political office. There's a difference between not knowing something and not knowing something and being proud of that fact. I don't trust anyone who doesn't have an answer and has no desire to find one.

Trying to explain how and why things happen in the UFC the way they do is like trying to explain why Japanese porn has subtitles. No one knows.

Growing up in church is like starting a marathon with broken legs.

I need to acquire a disco stick so Ms. Gaga can ride on it.

If you ever bought a Master P record you should just kill yourself. Seriously.

I have been to the deepest darkest corners of the internet and returned nearly unscathed. With all of the sick and depraved shit that I've seen, none of it compares to the unadulterated clusterfuck that is the BP oil spill.

When I am free, I will go wherever I am needed. I will go to the hottest deserts and the darkest jungles and fight alongside those who need it. Any cause which is just is my cause. Any cause which is true is my truth. If my life is lost in the process of freeing others, so be it, but I will not spend the latter part of my life as an armchair revolutionary.

I think it's completely unfair for people to demand that immigrants speak English when half the people who were born here have no grasp on the language.

You can have all the money in the world and own more than you could ever dream of using, but if you do and still lack an education, you have nothing. Having no knowledge provides a meaningless life, and as insignificant and finite as our one life is, it's all we have. Make the most of it and try not to step in the bullshit they've been throwing at you since birth.

I attack ideologies, not ethnicity or nationality. You can choose to be or not to be stupid, but you can't choose your skin color or where you were born.

If you want to respect and honor your god, try not shitting all over his creation. Religious people (most) have no regard for the planet and that baffles me.

Manslaughter. Man's laughter... What the fuck, English?

The only difference between the theocracy in America and the one in Iran is "free market" capitalism exists here. And we also have Snuggies...

The Pope dictating how people should think and behave sexually is like Hitler giving advice on Equal Opportunity programs.

Going to the Republicans for advice on fiscal responsibility is like going to Stephen Hawking for jogging tips.

I find it absolutely hysterical that in a country that's "Great because we're free!" there are people on Facebook that click the 'like' button on pages that urge others who don't share their ideological views to get out of the country. In the America that I dream of, we will celebrate our diversity.

White guys that refer to each other as "nigga" and use that word in conversation as if they are black should be bludgeoned to death.


  1. You are one funny motherfucker. Sounds like some mormonism in your background. me too. fertile ground for the best of cynical humor.

  2. Recent post of mine on facebook in response to Rupert Murdoch getting a pie in the face during a hearing:

    "Perhaps we could evaluate his credibility based on his willingness to have his ass kicked by cops on film. C'mon. Brainstorm with me."

    Be my facebook friend. We play bullshit frisbee all the time. You'd fit right in. Search "Peter Kirk Litster".

  3. I found you in a google search for a quote from Brigham Young. Something the ACLU of Utah used for a teeshirt of theirs. "I am for the Constitution. I am not for the snot-nosed, shittin' shirt-tailed puppies that will violate it!" or something to that effect