I'm This Many

So here I am, 25 years old... I have no idea how I've survived up to this point. I've been in the military for seven years, I've been deployed to the Persian Gulf, I've spent two years of my natural life on the ocean and plan on dedicating many more years to the art of floating aimlessly while performing some critical operation. All of this and I'm still just a boy in a man's body.

When someone asks me what I do, I tell them and they stare at me in awe. "Blibbity blah blah multi-million dollar aircraft components blibbity blah War on Terror blah blah deployments blah blah blah United States Navy." I guess I've become desensitized to the fact that I'm part of a machine that is the most powerful physical force in the world. None of this seems to impress me anymore and the things I've had and have to do at work are just that: things.

Compliments from strangers, free beers, family bragging about me to everyone who will listen, etc. I suppose everyone in the military gets this though. I'm definitely proud of my job and my accomplishments in that job, but what about life itself? What about outside of work? Well, I'll tell you.

I'm part of a Lost Generation of Man-Children. We 'grew up' and joined the military for all sorts of different reasons. We were forced into a lifestyle that not too many people could handle (a lot don't and find themselves sent home earlier than expected) and given a responsibility that we sometimes take too lightly because the true gravity of it would tie our stomachs in knots. We think because we go to war and play with guns and operate really cool, expensive shit that we're "grown-ass men" as so many coworkers delicately put it.

What do most of us do after that? We get married. Some of us have kids. Most of us do both. Why is that? I've been married twice and as much as I swore I was ready (both times), I can see now that I was nowhere close. I'm still a child. I can't manage my money, I play too many video games, and I still think that cartoons and cold pizza are the best possible way to start off a Saturday afternoon when I wake up. I can barely take care of myself and I thought I could take care of a family? Clearly I was out of my mind.

I was also under the assumption that having what is arguably the dumbest and most destructive job in the world would help my marriages be successful. Boy was I wrong. We expect our wives to pick up and move to WTFEUSSM: Where the Fuck Ever Uncle Sam Sends Me. We expect them to leave everything they've ever known and go to some strange place where they have no friends, no relatives, and no job, and just be happy as hell about it. Not only that, but they have to do all this and hang out alone for months at a time while we go out and play big boy games and risk the chance of coming home in a bodybag.

We expect our children to be okay with us never being around and being so mentally drained from the idiocracy that is the U.S. Military that when we are home, we don't have the energy to give them the proper amount of attention. And then when the inevitable divorce happens, and believe me it does, we hope that they turn out alright growing up in a broken home.

All of this because most of us joined a warfighting organization (some before they could even buy a lottery ticket legally) way too young and as much as we've "matured" in our careers, we're still the same idiot kids we were when we joined. Children raising children. Socially retarded. Not all, but most.

I may be able to effortlessly rattle off hours of nonsense about what I do at work when I'm asked, but if someone asks me how old I am, I pause. I know how old I am, but I sure don't feel that old. On one hand, I feel like I'm sixty. On the other hand, I feel like I'm twelve. Age is all relative in so many different areas of one's life, that it's absurd to measure a person's true age by the number of trips the Earth has made around the sun since they've been born. So how old am I? "I'm this many."

Remember Me

This horribly cheesy and very well-done film captured what I think most people overlook when they think about September 11th. It took you on a ride with a guy who, while confused, was what every idiot 22 year-old kid should aspire to be. It took you on that ride and it all went up in flames at the end.

Every person who lost his or her life on that day had their own story. It may or may not have been as romantic and captivating as Twilight Guy's was in the movie, but they had one. 2,976 people were killed that day and every single one of them had a life and a story the same as you and I do.

I guess what I'm getting at is I'm glad they titled the movie Remember Me and not Holy Fucking Shit! We're Not Safe Anymore and We Won't Be Until We Rid the World of Arabs. After the film was over, I wasn't left with any feelings of anger or an urge for revenge. Then again, I didn't feel that way on September 11th, either. I just felt sad; a lot of sadness and shock.

Maybe I'm just different. Maybe I'm not a "true patriot" or a "good American" because I don't have an insatiable thirst for bloody retribution. I think most people take those terms out of context anyway because I think that a true patriotic American shouldn't have a knee-jerk reaction to something like that. I think a true patriotic American should be tough and shrug it off. Mourn, yes, but don't give the perpetrators what they wanted. Don't validate their cause.

Almost double the number of American lives have been lost in the "War on Terror". Double. There have been no substantial victories or results short of the previous administration's payback on a man that had nothing to do with the attacks on the World Trade Center whatsoever. Who knows how long it will last either? I sure don't, but I'm willing to bet that it will continue far longer than even the Vietnam War did.

"Remember Me"

Remember the people who were killed. Think about what they would want. Think about the injustices committed in their names. Most importantly, remember who they were. Everyone has a story.

"America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter, and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves." ~Abraham Lincoln

Little Dr. Paul

As I'm sure none of you have heard, Dr. Rand Paul refused to answer the question about the age of the Earth last week. This willful ignorance is the most aggravating thing in the world. Just answer the question, dude! If your politics are straight, who cares if you think the world is 6000 years old? As much as I hate religion mixing with politics, I think there are more pressing issues at hand than whether or not you think Gandalf's clone shit out the planet a few millennia ago.

As a medical doctor, not having the answer should be something Dr. Paul should be used to... at least that's what my 130 episode marathon of House M.D. tells me. Get an answer. Be wrong. But have a goddamn answer! Even Sarah Palin made some shit up when they asked her how she had foreign policy experience.

Again, not an attack on religion. I understand that if you want to get elected in this country, you're going to have to pick a fairy tale that you subscribe to to get elected. The meager 18% of us Americans that are naturalists can't carry the election for you, so I get that. But ANSWER THE QUESTION!

Taking pride in not knowing something, or refusing to answer a question because you're scared it might offend someone is unacceptable. I can guarantee with 100% accuracy that there is always going to be someone sensitive that is going to be offended or disagree with any opinion that you have.

As a politician you should always have an opinion. Whether it's right or wrong is irrelevant. As an aspiring presidential candidate, Dr. Paul should figure this out if he wants more than just a fringe vote. Zeus help us if he actually gets elected. Who knows what issue will come across his desk that he sits on because he has no opinion, or is "just not going to answer that question." How are people going to know what your stance is if you don't take one?

Best Video Ever

Benevolence? Really?

I'll spare you the dictionary definition of benevolence partly because if you're reading this and don't know the meaning, you should probably close your browser.

I'm writing today to piss and moan yet again about the walking contradiction that is the "average Joe Six Pack" as Ms. Palin would call him. I was driving into work today and saw a very interesting back window on (big surprise) an SUV. Before I could safely take a snapshot with my Droid, the vehicle had turned into a parking lot. There were three bumper stickers on the back: On the bottom right corner was the Kenyan Village Idiot sticker that neo-con birthers think is so clever. On the bottom left corner was a sticker that had "ROFLMAO" with the Os being the Obama O that was used in the campaign. Taking up the rest of the window, in the center, was a cross-laden sticker that said one word - "Benevolence."

Putting my feelings towards the absurd e-acronyms like "LOL" or "ROFLMAO" aside, I just want to repeat that yes, a conservative SUV driver had a giant sticker that said "Benevolence" atop his racist anti-Obama stickers. Just thinking about it again makes me chuckle and even more upset that I wasn't quick enough on the draw with my phone. Allow me to light a cigarette and let's break this down, shall we?

Benevolence is a charitable act in/of good faith, the word coming from the Latin bene meaning "well, honorably" etc. The actual Latin is benevolentia. I sort of lied when I said earlier I wasn't going to get all Merriam-Webster in this post, but it has to be done to get my point out. Moving on....

I see how this is a completely appropriate Christian bumper sticker. Overlooking the few times that Jesus lost it or said something violent and completely out of character, good old Yeshua was the very essence of benevolence. He was a Gandhi/Robin Hood hybrid in Bronze Age Birkenstocks. He oozed charity and good will. So why, my friends, are all of his followers opposed to this President? Why are they opposed to things like taxes and healthcare reform? Why do they think it's okay to be bigoted, polluting sacks of waste in the name of Iesous? And if you're wondering, yes, I am going to drop a different translation of Cristos every time I mention him...

These are the people that only care about the oil spill because it's going to effect their pocketbooks. These are the people that protest government programs that help the underprivileged. These are the people that hate paying taxes. These are the people that oppose everything that threatens "The White, Christian, male power structure" as Bill O'Reilly so kindly put it. And they have the balls to cruise around in their gas guzzler with a big sticker that has a cross and the word BENEVOLENCE?!?!?!?!? Really?

1)We are only as good as our weakest link, so if there is just one person starving without a place to live in this country, how good are we? Because in my opinion, even one is too many.

2)I'm tired of right wing/corporate rationalization regarding the oil spill. All this nonsense about however many billions of gallons per hour of "fresh, clean" water get pumped into the gulf from the Mississippi River. Like the new water is just going to negate the oil that's there already. How about this, Mr. Limbaugh: I'll give you a 32oz bottle of water and you can drink it. But there's a catch.... there's 1ml of cyanide in there. Would you drink it? I didn't think so.

3)And finally, taxes. My favorite verse from the Buy-bull of all time is Matthew 22:15-22. I don't know why, maybe because we were poor when I was a kid, but whatever my reasoning, it's the most profound statement in the entire book:

----Then the Pharisees went out and laid plans to trap him in his words. They sent their disciples to him along with the Herodians. "Teacher," they said, "we know you are a man of integrity and that you teach the way of God in accordance with the truth. You aren't swayed by men, because you pay no attention to who they are. Tell us then, what is your opinion? Is it right to pay taxes to Caesar or not?"

But Jesus, knowing their evil intent, said, "You hypocrites, why are you trying to trap me? Show me the coin used for paying the tax."

They brought him a denarius, and he asked them, "Whose portrait is this? And whose inscription?"

"Caesar's," they replied.

Then he said to them, "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's."

When they heard this, they were amazed. So they left him and went away.----

While I think the Constitutionality of income tax is completely debatable, it shouldn't matter if you are a Christian. Or any rational human being for that matter. Money doesn't matter. The whole economy is fake anyway. It's imaginary. Someone made this shit up because we're not evolved enough as a species to be able to function properly without some currency-based economic system.

So all you crazy people with benevolence stickers need to support green energy. Support fixing the oil spill and cleaning it up properly because it's the right thing to do, not because it might cost you money later on down the road. Pay your fucking taxes and don't bitch about it when you do! Eeso said so! And put yourself in someone else's shoes next time you talk real big about how you think welfare and other programs are just a waste. Know that the majority of these starving children were born into a life of poverty, they didn't choose it.

If you don't want to do all of those things, maybe you should stop sticking big words that you don't understand all over the back of your car. Just a thought.

Your Corporate Conservative heroes have tricked you into becoming everything your Savior would despise. If there's one thing Jesus didn't like, it was hypocrites. So do me a favor - open your eyes and take a look at the world you're helping them create.

"When fascism comes to America, it will be draped in the flag and carrying a cross." ~Sinclair Lewis

Untitled

Inhale. The smoke rises with the morning sun. One more in a series of days that ends when it should be beginning. This isn't the answer. Grain alcohol fused with the sweet carcinogenic kiss of nictotine should sweep the insomnia away but it just slows the wasted moments. Inhale. Stuck between the laissez-faire existentialism consuming each passing minute and the naive dream of making a difference and cherishing each second, he dies with each breath. Time goes on; life passing by with a slow burn that won't speed up but will never stop. Somewhere in the middle of dream and reality, the end so close he can almost touch it, he realizes that this is it. This is all there is. No more, no less. There is no going back. Alea iacta est. Exhale.

Hungover Philosophy: What comes next?

I can't get over how much the death question pops up whenever I have a theological debate with someone. The need to live in complete an total fear of absolutely everything is something that I don't share with the majority of the population.

My fears are real and semi-legitimate from my own perspective, but ludicrous to other people. At least my fears are tangible. I don't like tight spaces, poisonous insects or snakes, and I have an irrational fear of water. I am not, however, afraid of death. I'm not afraid of ghosts, ghouls, goblins, spirits, poltergeists, demons, curses, sorcery, gods, devils, etc. because they don't exist.

The popular question I face on at least a weekly basis is, "So what happens when you die?" That's kind of a dumb fucking question because nobody alive has died yet.

"I want to live! That's the whole secret of Life: NOT DYING! I figured that shit out alone in the third grade." ~George Carlin

Now what do I think will happen when I die? I'm assuming the normal decomposition process for the physical me, and as for the mental me, I guess the lights just turn off. I think it'll be just like when you're given general anesthesia at the doctor and you just conk out, but this time you're not going to wake up. How arrogant and cowardly is it to assume that we're going to continue on in some zany spiritual form after this insignificant life we've been given? Why is it so rough for people to comprehend that we're no better than any other life form on the planet?

Is ceasing to exist depressing? It all depends on how you look at it. I'm not trying to speak Clintonese and dodge the question, but really what is existence? In a first person sense, there was nothing before I was born. Sure, the world was here, people were alive, the universe, blah blah blah, but from my own perception, existence itself didn't start until I was born. Even then, I don't remember too much from the first few years of my life, so really my own existence starts about three years after I was born.

So again, is death depressing? The truth is, it is depressing when I first think about it, but only a little and for very selfish reasons. I would like to live forever because it's all I know. I enjoy life most of the time and I'd like to live as long as possible, but everyone dies. And really, when we die, we don't know we're dead. We don't know that we've lived. When your brain shuts down, that's it, man. That's it. So it's kind of hard to be butt hurt over something (life) you don't have the capacity to remember ever having.

I just don't see a reason to spend my short life fretting over what might happen when I die. To drudge through your entire life preparing for the next is so absurd and counterproductive. What happens when you waste all this time getting ready for your spiritual transformation and nothing happens? Why throw something so precious away on an uneducated gamble that the next one will be better?